Last year I went to watch my cousin’s 13 year-old boy play for the championship of his soccer league. Tom’s a pretty good soccer player and I was surprised to hear him say as we drove to the field that he didn’t know if he was going to play the following year. I couldn’t believe my ears. I remembered how excited he had been when he made the team at the beginning of the season. This was Tom’s first year playing on his local select team and he had always loved the sport. All you had to do was take one look at his room filled with his youth trophies and medals, walls covered with soccer posters, and a green rug with the design of a soccer field and you just knew this. What could make him want to quit? Not surprisingly he told me that he thought that the coach was too hard on him and the other players. “It’s like we can’t do anything right,” Tom said softly. The fact that they were in the championship game was proof that they had done some things right.

Unfortunately, my nephew’s story is all too common. While the physical and emotional benefits of sports are undeniable, a significant drop out rate in youth sports has emerged. By age 12, 75% of boys and 65% of girls will quit the sport of soccer. Similar statistics exist for other organized sports as well. When children quit playing they are missing out on a valuable opportunity for physical and emotional health. Organized sports provide a forum to learn valuable life skills including goal-setting, acceptance of criticism, and team-work.

So who is to blame for this? Just like with my nephew, the suspect is all too often the coach. One study found that the top two reasons children cited for quitting organized sports were that it was no longer fun or interesting. The individual who should be held accountable for this is the coach. Many people underestimate the influence that a coach can have on child athletes. Some people have gone so far as to say that the influence of a coach is second only to that of a parent – more so in cases where a child has lost a parent or when there is marital conflict in the home.

When I asked my cousin what he thought about his son quitting the sport and the perhaps over bearing coach, he answered, “I don’t know what to do, I’ve tried to talking to the guy (coach) but it’s like it goes in one ear and out the other.” This is a fairly common problem that many parents experience – how do you deal with an emotionally abusive coach. I don’t think that there is a single parent that would allow their child to be physically abused by a coach, so emotional abuse shouldn’t be any different. What can be done to deal with an abusive coach?

Preventing the Problem

The easiest way to deal with an abusive coach is to not allow him or her from coming into contact with our children. Simply put, stop the problem before it occurs. To do this, you need to do some self-examination and research.

First and foremost, ask yourself the reasons why you want your child to play organized sports. The answer for most people will be the physical and emotional benefits of competition. However, some people live under the delusion that they have a little super-star in their home. Given the odds against making it to the professional level, it is simply not realistic to think that this will happen. If your child is indeed truly gifted, this will emerge. However, if you push too hard, you are becoming just like the emotionally abusive individuals that you are trying to protect your child from. The purpose of playing sports should be enjoyment. The instant that this is no longer true, the sport becomes a chore.

Parents need to take time and be proactive. Just like you took the time to find out what schools are best for your child, you should take the time to find out what teams – and by extension, coaches – are best. Ask your friends, neighbors, and even teachers if they’ve heard of any good coaches. Perhaps the most important thing that you can find out about the coach is their style. Don’t just go by his or her win-loss record from the previous season. Talk to them yourself and find out which of the following three styles they use:

• Command style coaches make all the decisions and the young athlete is supposed to simply respond to orders. While they are often successful in terms of winning, this type of coach tends to make their athletes want to quit because of their tendency to push too hard and to disregard input from the athletes.
• Submissive coaches make as few decisions as possible which can result in a great deal of chaos. This coaching style is often unsuccessful in terms of winning as well as retaining kids in the sport. Some kids on the team may become overly domineering and critical of others which can result in your child losing interest.
• Cooperative coaches recognize their role as the team leader but share some of the decision making with athletes. This is easily the best type of coach for your child. While they provide a great deal of structure, they do so in a healthy way.

You should ask questions about the coach’s specific expectations, such as: practice attendance, season goals, selection of team captains, and game participation by team members. If possible, ask if you can watch a practice. Watch how they interact with the players. Do they vary the drills that they use to keep kids interested? Do the kids experience more success then failure? Do they praise the athletes either verbally or non-verbally? Do they talk to all the kids or do they play favorites? The goal should be enjoyment not just winning – do they communicate this and model it as well? These are simple things that will go a long way towards figuring out what style they use and what your child’s level of enjoyment will be.

Dealing with the Problem

Sometimes, despite your best efforts, your child will come into contact with an individual who is abusive. This is a problem that is not going to simply go away. You need to confront it. But how? You follow the chain of command:

The first step is to speak with the coach directly. If the situation permits, speak with him informally and individually. A group of parents is more likely to put the individual on the defensive. As human beings, it is quite natural to not listen to the content of a message when we are defensive. This is particularly true when dealing with an individual who is used to being in charge. Meet with the coach after practice or a game and discuss your concerns calmly. Try not to take an accusatory tone or he may become defensive. Let him know about your own parenting style and what you have found motivates your child to persevere. Perhaps, the coach is not aware of his or her behavior. Let them know how much your son values the sport and playing on the team. Finally, give the coach a chance to change the behavior that concerns you. It may even be necessary to have a second talk. You should compliment the positive changes that the coach has made but reiterate your concerns.

If after you have spoken with the coach, the behavior does not change you need to go to his/her superior. This may be the principal or the director of the house league. Telephone the individual and state your concerns clearly and calmly. The coach may be more likely to respond to a discussion about the behaviors that are of concern from a superior. However, you should remember that these are busy people and they will appreciate your earlier attempts to resolve the problem; so be sure to mention your attempt(s) to rectify the situation informally.

Should the problem persist, it may be necessary to remove your child from the team. If this is the case, you should definitely file a formal complaint with the school or other administrative body. Unfortunately, this will do very little to help your child, but could be valuable in the future. Behavior patterns are very stable over time, and it is likely that the coach will continue with his behavior. While one complaint may not be grounds for dismissal, a repeated pattern of behavior is. It is especially important to talk to your child about why you are pulling him/her off the team and that they are not the one at fault. Put it in language that they can understand. Try using phrases like “It’s not your fault” or “You’ll do better on another team.” It’s a shame if it comes to this since he’s not responsible for the coach’s behavior. While he may resist the idea initially in the long run it will be more damaging to him to remain with an abusive individual. Finally, try to get them involved with another team. The benefits of organized sports are too numerous to allow a bad experience with a coach to keep them from competing.

Conclusion

The coaching style that an individual uses can result in either a positive or negative experience for an athlete. Unfortunately, many coaches have lost sight that the purpose of organized sports is enjoyment and effort, not just simply winning at all costs. The best way to deal with this problem is to stop it before it happens. If it does occur, you should follow the chain of command and discuss your concerns. Simply pulling your child off the team is not going to benefit anyone – especially your child. There are simply too many positive things to be gained from playing in organized sports.

Dear Psyched:

My son plays football at [major university] and has a bowl game on New Year’s eve. Because of this he is going to be away from us during the holidays. It got me to thinking that it must be tough for athletes who have to travel to be away from their families for extended periods of time. Is there anything that I can do to make it easier on him?

Thanks for your help. Keep up the great work.

James

TO: XXXXXX@verizon.com
FROM: questions@psychedonline.org
SUBJECT: Re: Travel
DATE: 12/23/02, 08:32

Response: The family must be so excited about having your son playing in a bowl game on New Year’s Eve. I can imagine that you are having a mixture of feelings. On the one hand, you wish he was with you. On the other hand, you will love watching him on television living out his dream. It might help to keep in mind that your son is with his second family. He has his “teammates/brothers” around him. His “parents” for that night will be his coaches. He will be focused on them and the goal of winning. He will not be lonely. But, he could become distracted if he gets the sense that his family is suffering in his absence. This is the hard part of being a parent – to keep your missing him feelings in check – to just let him know that you are with him in spirit as he does his growing up activities. Of course, you would want to let him know you are happy and will be glued to the television. Whether he wins or loses, make a plan to get together. It is tough to watch other people take over the role of the family members he’s known all his life. Remember no one can truly take your place. When he knows you are okay with him having the new “family”, he will carry you with him.

Paul Schienberg, Ph.D.

In Part I of this series, many benefits of girls participation in sports were described: greater sense of self develops when they can trust their bodies abilities; improve capacities for rolling with life’s ups and downs; intrinsic motivations are established; ability to make quick decisions and execute them; and higher thinking skills while in motion. Part II will round out the list of benefits of sports participation for girls as well as provide additional pointers for their parents and coaches.

Risk Taking and Mental Toughness

It has been said that new-born infants are brought into this world with only two fears. The first is the fear of falling. The second is the fear of loud noises. If that is so, then all other fears are taught. And if taught, it is important to be aware of what we say to children and how we say it. When a young child trips and looks up at the parent, the child is looking for a signal to know what to feel. If the parent remains calm and smiles, the child gets up and goes about life. “Hockey is too rough for girls.” “Skateboarding will break your legs and if that happens don’t come crying to me.” Sound familiar?

Raising girls with courage is not an easy task. It takes parents’ and coaches’ willingness to face their own fears of getting hurt. By helping a child face the challenges and possibilities of getting hurt, the adult improves the skills in themselves. Running from risk is a habit. It can be overcome by changing the response in the present. We are not recommending recklessness. Evaluate the activity and make an objective assessment. Girls will model how to handle situations that you haven’t tried in a way that reduces chances of serious injury. An allied bad habit that responsible adults slip into is not letting the child try something on her own. The anticipation that something will go wrong causes the parent to leap in prematurely. The result can be a girl reaching a road block in developing a life/sport skill.

Coaches can help a girl live with and overcome or not learn any fears. Fear of failure can become one of the greatest fears of all. It is important to let girls know that failure is just a part of the learning curve – and that if we didn’t come up short sometimes we would never improve or find better ways of doing the same task. Unique to girls is something called fear of success. The consequences of winning can be to lose the identification of being daddy’s or mommy’s little girl. Parents need to show the girl that she is adored as she achieves goals in sports. Fear of criticism can be overcome by using player-friendly language. Coaches should consult with parents if it is noticed that there is a hyper-sensitivity to even softly spoken criticisms. Fear of what other players will think of them can cause paralysis. Girls will struggle with feelings of humiliation if they are not performing as well as others. A coach might help by letting her know that you have been there too. Give her an experience from your past! The girl will nod and smile which a sign of emotional mastery.

Help girls make the link between reaching goals and taking risks. Set up little goals with little risks. A pattern of attempting new behavior or new activities can be created. It is good to condition the girl to the positive connection between risk and reward. Efforts made by parents and coaches to manage emotional risks can pay off when they are sincere and unwavering.

Another area of risk-taking is developing communication skills. By letting your daughter try to handle problems that come up between her and her coach, you will be helping her express her thoughts and feelings. Taking into consideration the girl’s age, you might want to accompany her in a discussion with the adult in question. Even in that case, it is important not to rescue her too soon. Standing up for herself by voicing her concerns will have payoffs throughout her life. Have her practice with you a conversation she needs to have with a coach. Instruct her to write down the ideas she wants to get across. Of course, you should let her know that you support her goal. If you go with her to the discussion, open up the talk and then let her take the center stage.

One of the greatest challenges girls need to face is learning to deal with the fear of injury. By attempting controlled risks repeatedly, girls who take chances with their bodies learn to become mentally tough. The U.S. Naval Academy demands that females take boxing and wrestling every semester. Direct physical threat helps build confidence. Providing varying opportunities to take physical risks and succeed is critically important. Beginning girl athletes need almost a 90% chance for success; intermediates should get 50% chance of success; advanced female athletes will try even if there is almost no chance of success.

Here are a few more recommendations we offer to parents and coaches of girls: if you challenge girls with goals that are way beyond their capacities, they will develop fear instead of courage; embarrassing girls in front of significant others will create intimidation and embarrassment; should the girl express fear do not turn your back on her – instead talk with her about where the fear is coming from – most fear comes from feeling inadequately prepared; providing too much assistance is going to create a belief in her that she can’t handle the problem.

Self-Discipline

Developing the confidence to start and stick with an activity, and thereby achieve a goal, is a life-long journey which sports participation can promote. Athletics put girls in situations in which they must be disciplined – being self-disciplined creates productivity. Participation in sports is about self-mastery.

The way you talk to yourself is a major component of developing the nerve to believe you can do something. This optimistic approach is called “positive self-expectancy.” If the mind can picture going for the best, the body will move toward the best. If a girl is having a negative vision, redirect how she sees herself and find a goal she believes that she can achieve. If girls are put in sport situations where they can make positive self-talk, they are more likely to succeed and believe in the idea of positive self-communication.

All too often, girls get the message that they shouldn’t expect much of themselves. Society expects boys to be good at sports and girls not to be courageous and persistent. Coaches and parents must help girls overcome this barrier. They need a loud and clear communication from authorities that lets them know about higher expectations in sports. Girls need to be taught how to speak more positively to themselves – they need to evaluate themselves in a more positive, confidence-building style. Help girls erase negative self-talk and come up with more supportive communications. Let her know that how she speaks to herself will determine if she advances to the next level. When you evaluate girls make sure to keep self-defeating words out of your vocabulary.

Goal setting is a necessary technique that helps girls learn to discipline themselves. It is the moment-to-moment goal setting that makes the most impact. Repeat the word “goal” as often as possible. Work with short term goals. It is important with younger girls to make the goals as attainable as possible. Help girls to set the goals themselves – it will help them believe that they are ready for the next goal.

Organizing time effectively develops self-confidence. Parents and coaches need to demand that the homework must be done if they want to play sports. Let your daughter set up her own routine. By helping your daughter stick with the schedule, she will get a sense of teamwork.

Learning to cooperate with others to develop a cohesive unit and achieve goals is acquired in team sports. This skill is harder to come by when there is less than two parents in a household. If a girl grows up with siblings, she will learn to share space, responsibilities and time with their parents. Family dynamics affect how girls respond to pressure and compromise; how they support their teammates, and whether they rebel, confront or remain silent when they are upset about something. When girls enjoy and respect each other, you will have cohesiveness unlike any association you’ve ever had with boys. It is important to offer support when you see a girl doing something for the team. Never put a player down in front of other teammates.

Some behaviors are not in the interest of the team and must be pointed out quickly. Even though this may require some negative communication, it is in this case unavoidable. The primary focus of the group or team must be to achieve its goals. Horseplay (making jokes, fooling around at inappropriate times) distracts the team. Name calling is very undermining to cohesiveness. The girls involved should be taken aside individually. If you don’t know who is involved, the coach could try a team meeting – put the responsibility on the girls by saying “this behavior is causing us to lose points.” If the coach sees a girl becoming withdrawn or depressed, it is usually caused by feeling like she doesn’t fit in or is having significant difficulty learning the sport’s skills. Before deciding to go to the parents, try to draw her out. A player, who constantly objects to directions from the coach, undermines the flow of a practice or training session. One approach is to ask the player if the issue can be addressed after the session. If she insists that it be dealt with immediately, ask the other players for input about how to handle it. Dominating behavior sometimes needs to be taken care of in a one-on-one meeting with the coach. When a number of players are not giving 100%, the rest of the team has to pick up the slack. Resentments can grow in this atmosphere. The coach has to address this dynamic with the entire team before frustrations get out of hand.

Tolerating others’ attitudes, beliefs and feelings is a concern on the sports field and off. One negative characteristic of girls is that they tend to talk behind each others’ back and gossip more about other people than boys do. Coaches can try these steps to improve tolerance: point out common ground, have issues discussed in the open, quickly, by the teammates, let them come up with the solution, impose one if they don’t, encourage quiet girls to speak their minds.

There are few characteristics as important as persistence – it creates more stories of success than any other trait. One of the mechanisms used by coaches to improve persistence in girls is to provide small goals where they can see their improvement. Using numbers is very effective. How many practice swings will it take to learn how to hit a shot out of the sand-trap? Number of baskets needed to be shot to hit the foul shot 80% of the time? The girls will learn that if they just keep going they will be successful. Another way to improve persistence is to use visualization of success. When the image of the goal is kept alive, its pull to keep going is improved. The coach can also remind the player how far she has already come since she hit her first foul shot. A girl’s level of persistence can be evaluated by the coach asking the following questions: Does she enjoy the sport only if she has a particular coach or group of teammates? If injured, does she stop going to all practices or keep practicing those skills she can attend to? If the she loses, can she put it behind her and keep trying to improve her skills? When faced with additional challenges does she become excited or worried? If a teammate is better, does the girl stop trying?

Summary

Participation in sports provides girls the opportunity to develop personal skills that will last her a lifetime. A girl can learn to be decisive after weighing her options, feel confident in her problem solving skills, be a team player, communicate effectively, take risks and be persistent. Put together she will be prepared to move into her adult life with confidence and self-reliance. Regardless of whether she becomes a professional or a serious amateur athlete, she will have learned how to be a part of communities, handle authorities, live with people who have different points of view and maintain a sense of herself. All of these skills will assure her a healthy advantage in the game of life.

More and more we see kids opting for a position in front of computers or television sets instead of playing outside or just shooting hoops in the neighborhood. The fact that video games based on sports such as NBA 2000 or John Madden Football even exist, forget about their popularity, indicates that kids are simply not participating in sports as much as they should be. Something needs to be done if we are to change the direction in which we are heading.

Although sports have become a central part in most of our lives, this does not mean that we are actually participating. Indeed, people today lead very different lives than a hundred years ago. This is due to three factors: advances in technology, a change from industrial to information based societies, and changes in our nutritional habits. These factors have had an especially significant impact on our children, a large percentage of whom could be considered to be obese.

The family is the most obvious place where changes can be made. Physical activity is a fundamental focus from birth. After a child is born, parents can hardly wait for the child to begin to crawl and walk. Most parents are eager for their children to be involved in physical activity since it is a place where growth can most easily be seen. The growth that happens with intellectual abilities is much more difficult to detect.

Our parents teach us many of the things that we will do over the course of the rest of our lives. For example, my mother taught me to always keep my room clean, perhaps obsessively so. Today, my friends come over and comment about how meticulously clean my apartment is. One explanation of parental influence on children’s activity habits is rooted in the concept of role modeling. Basically, kids do what they see. This is true for both positive things (i.e., keeping a clean house) and negative things (i.e., not saving money).

When it comes to health, children share many of the same habits as their parents, including those that are health risking. Researchers have found that children (4-7 years old) with two active parents were six times more likely to be physically active than children with two inactive parents. Simply put, if you tend to sit on the couch, then your children will probably grow up to do this as well. If you choose to go to the park and ride a bike, then your children will probably grow to be more active participants in sports. “Why don’t you go outside and play?” is not enough. Parental participation in sports provides them with a model of what should be done.

Unfortunately, the traditional family has been replaced by one in which both parents work or there is a single parent. One out of every three children born in the U.S. experience the effects of divorce before reaching 18. Researchers have found that children form single-parent households participated in more sedentary activities than youngsters from two-parent households. This finding is not surprising given the increase in responsibilities that a single-parent must take on including discipline, home-work assistance, and other day to day activities. However, divorce does not have to be a negative thing in terms of future athletic activity. Gym membership and participation as adults has been found to be higher for children from single parent homes than for kids with passive fathers who did not engage in much physical activity.

Clearly, our children need our direction in many different aspects of their lives. Given the increase in obesity rates among America’s youth, it is increasingly important that parents model appropriate amounts of physical activity if they are to grow to be healthy physically and emotionally. The physical benefits of activity are obvious. Participation in sports with kids also provides an important avenue to form a strong emotional bond with them. So what are you waiting for? Go outside and play with your kids!